An Update for my Friends: Recalled to Life

"You'd be in a blazing bad way, if recalling to life was to come into fashion, Jerry!" - A Tale of Two Cities, C Dickens

A long-time return to my blog made me realize that, were this blog to be your only insight into my life, you'd probably think I was dead. I know that, if you are indeed the friend that this is addressed to, that you have multiple avenues that serve to keep tabs on me, in which case, you are well aware of the news I am about to share. And, in any case, you are reading this now, thus allaying any prior doubt of my continued existence in this deeply wounded reality. Fear not (never fear!)! I have no intention of leaving this place as broken as I found it.

Six months ago, I underwent a Stem Cell Transplant at MD Anderson in Houston. It sucked! But, as life experiences tend to go, it has also proven to be one of the most useful memories I hold. The challenges of typical American life have been transmuted to trivial minutiae in the face of what, today, I listened to Terence McKenna term "ordeal poisoning". The idea behind this concept is that, while the experience is not psychedelic in and of itself, the grueling, very correctly described "ordeal", initiates a renewed appreciation of life, in both its triumphs and shortfalls. I had, due to my travails and journeying, become quite unafraid of death, yet the SCT had the beauty-in-torment effect of resolving my fear of life. The other side informed me that they are doing everything they can do to reverse the tumultuous train of thought that the majority of our species is riding, only to discover that our kind have been conditioned against (and, in too many cases, BRED OUT OF) the intuition that allows their (the other side's) wisdom to become manifest. In effect, the Holocaust was a trailer to the feature COMING SOON.

This note is not doom-and-gloom. Far from it. I'll get back to its original theme: I'm OK! The lymphoma can't hold a candle. I am immensely grateful for your support and prayers. Looks like at least some of you prayed to the right God! Lol. I kid, I kid. As the Thomas Theorem reveals: “If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.” So go ahead! Keep praying away! (Thanks, Esco...) Now, if you're unconcerned with world happenings, you may disengage. Thank you for reading.

Now:

It is obvious to those in the know that Moloch has decreed a time of sacrifice. The Gaza nonsense has escalated to an unforgivable degree (although the very creation of Isis-Ra-El (Israel) was a deadly sin in and of itself). Never let a good crisis go to waste - that is the mantra of the New World Order. Perhaps we can turn their mantra against them. For religious reasons and whatnot, Jerusalem has been decreed as a holy city, yet, holy as it might have been, it has become most unholy and very well the enemy of a unified humanity. Zionism is nonsense. Nonsense. Anti-sense. US police are cavorting with these psychopaths (source: http://stormcloudsgathering.com/an-honest-israeli-soldier-speaks?utm_source=share-fb) to bring idiotic egotism to the world as its prevailing dogma. You know better than this (you are my friend, after all)! Just decry it in your daily conversations (as well as you can, God I know it's a sensitive topic), and put your intention toward a world balanced between compassion and skepticism. Your voice resounds. I cannot entrust my eventual deathbed wishes to apathetic nit-wits.

Money is the core disease, and its only vaccination is shrewd re-management of our Earth's resources. Why would you steal something if you couldn't get anything for it? What if you AND the person you stole it from could have just gotten it for free? Who the hell convinced you that you need to pay for anything? Oh, everybody you talk to. That's right. I'm not going to lie, they're right.... For now.

But why do you deserve (natural, healthy) food, when others can't? Are you so much better than them? Ha ha, maybe, indeed, you are! But what are you, compared to the other life in this universe that's had at least 5,000,000,000 years head start on us? Surely, they've all eradicated themselves by now. At least, were they to follow our model. And, if so, I say: Kudos to them. Suicide, in my mind, is quite preferable to depravity. According to the law of averages, we cannot be alone. We are not. And we need help. This is the greatest lesson that I've gleaned from my travails: Do not be afraid to ask for help. Do not be afraid, I beg you: ever. To ask, or, to shout.

Just make love happen. It is the core of your being. Show me a natural path that is devoid of love, I challenge you. I, for one, have never seen a tree devoid if it. One that is alive, that is. So knock yourselves out.

Thank you so much. I promise, as best as I can, to keep you posted.

Yours in love, and In Lac'kech,

An Update for my Friends: Cycle 1

One cycle down! So far, I've taken well to the chemo: no nausea, little fatigue, slow hair loss. Today I attended my grandfather's funeral. A sad occasion, but it was good to see the family. We went to a nice Italian restaraunt afterward and shared in good times over dinner as so often we did at his dinner table. He had a way of bringing the family together in the spirit of merriment. This evening's dinner proved no different, and his presence could be felt in our laughter and revelry.

93, 4 kids, 3 grandkids. I'm exicited to get through these next 5 cycles so that I can continue pursuing a life that I can only hope will turn out to be as complete as my grandfather's.


My thoughts and blessings to you all. I am positive that your good thoughts and vibes have mitigated what negative reactions I may have had to my treament. I can turn my head further to the left more than I've been able to in like two months!

A Note to my Friends

Friend,

It would appear that the world did not end for most people in December 2012. My part of me wishes that I could be counted among them, the other is excited about the world reborn that lies before me. My most indubitable joy is that I have such an unmatched group of friends and family to help support me and share in these changing times.

Enough ambiguity. I have cancer. Hodgkin’s lymphoma - stage III, possibly stage IV. Treatment begins this Friday (2/15/13). For those interested, the treatment is called ABVD, it is a chemotherapy, and there is a nice write-up about it on Wikipedia. According to the literature provided by the oncologist, this treatment has a 90% success rate in patients my age. I suppose this is one of the few times that I shouldn’t strive to be exceptional. You, reading this, you need to know this, that, even though you haven’t even tried, you have proven to be exceptional to me.

We are galactic harmonics in perfect tune. A karass with our wampeter resonating in infinite flux. You have given me everything I need, but still you give more. You’re reading this now. It’s a comforting thought.

It was not my first choice to consent to conventional chemotherapy. Natural remedies were my go-to. However, natural remedies are far better suited for cancers that develop tumors, whereas lymphoma is a strange thing that just keeps stealing nutrients from the rest of one’s body  to continually generate lymphocytes. No tumors. Just swollen (make that swollen-as-hell) lymph nodes.

The treatment lasts six months. The “goal” of the treatment is to destroy my immune system, make it collapse in upon itself like a dying star, so that it may nebulously rebuild itself once the treatment is complete. While I’m on the juice, I’ll go hairless as a frog and be about as functional as a Windows Vista laptop. But then I’ll get better. Of that, I’m sure.

I’ve lost 60-70 lbs over the past year - a dream for some, and, I’ll admit, the first 20 lbs were nice. I’ll be happy when I no longer look like a very tall grey alien.

I have a vision for myself once all of this is past. You are part of it. I hope you’re excited.

Some good news in all of this: I got a job at GTECH, the world’s leading lottery vendor. The money’s good, but more importantly, the insurance is quite good. That pretty much landed on me with perfect timing. The Universe has plans. What exactly the hell it’s up to now is beyond me at present - but these things have a way of making themselves known.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your concern. Thank you for sticking by. Thank you for the silly happenstance that you have become you, and all you are.

In lak'ech,
Ryan

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” - Marianne Williamson

“That which is to give light, must endure burning.” - Victor Frankl

Where Were You Last Night?

 Where were you last night? Your body was in the bed but you were nowhere to be found. Your pupils unfurled and settled like the stuff your lungs breathe is a joke. Gasps, groans, and smiles were all that you were. Another visit to the wispcano with your wispquito friends? Take me along next time. Fuzzy feathered wispquito friends, chitin thorns and grasshopper knees. Tickle-tasting moth antenna mustaches. Is that where you were, the other side of fantastic? Rolling and rollicking in your invisible shem? 

   That's not the only place you can go where there's no stopping until it lets you go. We've got a place called Guantanamo. Little vain prayers for mercy. Dabblings of sound wishing against wish. You spent last night begging for mercy from mercy itself. Wrapped up in her sunset peacock arms, you had dazzle to dance to and silence to sleep with. You used her strength to pick up that can you've been kicking down the road - you repurposed it to keep your forgiveness so you would never lose it again. Though it's far from the last piece of the ensemble of wallop and wampum, you'll at least register a foot-tap by giving it a shake. 

   Where were you last night, where you could make the heart of darkness skip a beat?

Freedom Abundant (A How-To Guide)

Weep out the tears, we've missed you so long.

We've given you years, made 'em up just for y'all.

Cry it away, wash it all out of you -

Those are some easy-pull thorns when you pull with the courage to.

Skin in the underbrush; cocoon on the vine.

Just a little part of you that's best left behind.

Put a pin in Vienna - there's a galaxy out there,

Wanton with yearning for excuseless abandon.

Sog up some Kleenex - kill off a few boxes.

Drink water and piss till it starts to run clear.

The crafts that landed after the flood were 

a bit mischievous - they commerced in blood.

You've kneeled before the dollar so long, your legs have gone to sleep.

Change your position, let the blood come back, then stand up on your feet.

Resign the police state - return it to Athens.

There's a shitload of wake up that's right about to happen.

Preludes (2008)

Viennese sunset sweeping violet under the auburn rug,
burning stone titans carved into angels.
The cooling breeze trickles among the clamoring streets,
stopping a moment to listen, then flowing a moment to remember.
The opera the blind woman howls,
the juggler on his cobblestone stage:
"The louder you go, the better the show!"
- these are the moments that Strauss composed,
dotted-eighth laughs and quarter-rests of awe.
These preludes wrap my hand, wrapped in her's,
wrapped by centuries lit like clouds
heavenward bursting.

A Human's Requiem for the Gulf (2012)

Dawn broke with an anxious cackle, darting for looks behind the heads of clouds already with a good view of the incident: shuffling, whispering, and offering low moans that tended toward schadenfreude more often than sympathy. It was all the water could do - water that flowed in celebration of the birth of every person who made this possible – all it could do to swallow the poison it sucked from the wound, having nowhere to spit it. Fish and birds, knowing fear from birth, but lacking the imagination to conceptualize evil, died with great pain but no anger. It was indeed an unfamiliar thing for the ocean to feel as murky as the minds of those who derive their hope from 30 second spots. The sky and wind didn't even stop to think how damaging this would be to the economy. Too stupid, I guess.